30. There's something about 30. Not in a bad way, and not necessarily in a good way either. 30 makes you stop, think, reflect. I spent the eve before my 30th birthday in quiet meditation. There was something about this birthday that made me stop and give it my full attention. In the weeks leading up to my 30th birthday I had stopped drinking, had begun to run again and had taken sometime for myself, cancelling prior engagements so that I could find some space. The day of my 30th I felt good. I was with my love and we were going away for a few days. I felt happy. However this feeling of happiness has been elusive over the last couple of years, with the past 12 months being particularly difficult. I have experienced intense negative feelings; not good enough, low self esteem and pondering depressingly that age old question 'what is the point of of life?'.
This has lead me to try and figure out what it is that makes me happy, what it is that makes me unhappy and how to go about building and creating a life for myself where I can feel happy the majority of the time. I wish in this blog post I could give you 'the answer', or even tell you that there is one. Rather, this post is a bit of higgedly piggedly rambling mix of the conversations I have had with some wonderfully insightful, kind and thoughtful people, along with articles/books I have read that have all contributed to my thinking about what might help me build a happy life.
In 'The Art of Happiness' (HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler) a particular passage stood out for me. I can't remember the exact quote, but this is what I took away from it: before making a decision about whether to do something ask whether it will make you happy in long run. This statement stood out for me because I realized that I struggle to make decisions based on long term happiness (sometimes). For example, I know that when I don't drink I'm happier in the long run. But often the prospect of a fun, wild night with my pals (that sometimes happens - other times its a messy drunken night) often over rules, and my short term happiness (and long term suffering; hangover, poor diet following, anxiety, low mood, worry over what I've done/said, injuries etc) often wins. Of course, this idea can also be generalized to other areas of my life:
- saving money
- eating healthily and ethically
- exercising (both the body and mind)
and so my first guess at what might help me build a happier life is 1.) try to make decisions with my long term happiness in mind. Some changes that may be difficult in the short term but that I think may help me feel happier in the long term are:
- meditation
- eating vegan/veggies
- exercise
- stop drinking
- watch less T.V. or stop watching T.V?
- spending quality time with partner
Recently a friend of mine (also approaching the point of reflection 30) sent me a link to a blog she had read which was about reflecting on the things that you have learnt in your 30 years on this earth. I like the idea of this. I think that learning is probably something that might help me build happiness, but perhaps more so, when it's not linked to achieving or proving ones self. so number 2.) Learn for learning's sake - not to prove yourself. Have confidence to acknowledge what I know and courage to acknowledge and learn about what I don't know. Don't feel I should know it all already - I'm human.
3.) Stop striving and be. When we are little we are always asked 'what do you want to be when you grow up'. wow. what a thing to ask a five year old. For me, as a child and as a teenager I always worried that I didn't know what I wanted to 'be'. This created a notion that once I grew up to 'be' something then my life would start. As such I have always been a 'striver'. Have always felt the need to achieve and prove myself, to finally reach that place of 'being'. This has lead me to achieve but has not lead me to be happy. When I was around 27 I realized that this was it. I was already here. Waiting for the moment where I would finally 'be' something and life would begin was not going to arrive. Despite this realization, changing this mindset has been difficult. finishing one achievement for me has only lead on to the next and moving to a state of 'being' in the here and now rather than when I finish this or when I get that is difficult. It may take some figuring out.
linked to this in some ways is number 4.) You can't do EVERYTHING - try and figure out your priorities (not the priorities you are bombarded with externally) - so a more positive spin - you can do and 'be' the things you prioritize. For me, I'm trying to prioritize finding how live happily (I've only just realized this whilst typing). I may have a list of things I want to achieve - travel, be a successful researcher/clinician, live in London, work abroad, have children, adopt children, own a dog, write, draw, do yoga, meditate, cook (and learn to love it), read more, run, swim, sing and play the ukulele in public. Whilst it is helpful to have goals in life, sometimes the goals can feel overwhelming. and so, instead of 'achieving' these goals for achievements sake I'm trying to figure out which ones are my priorities, i.e. which will make me happier in the long run. A very wise friend once said to me - once something becomes an obligation (which can often happen when you set out to achieve an end goal rather than enjoying the process) then it can no longer be enjoyable - what a wise and dear friend.
Recently I have found myself googling 'how to be happy' one thing that often comes up is being creative. I read an interesting blog this morning about 'The Artist's Way'. The blog, based on the work of Julia Cameron suggests that one way to unleash creativity, for those who feel somehow blocked, is to write everyday 3 pages. It doesn't matter what you write - just a stream of conciousness - and there is no wrong way to do it (a novel concept for me!). The idea being that you can begin to get out your head all those thoughts that go round and round and block creativity. This idea resonated with me in particular as, working within academia, creativity is needed all the time, research ideas and studies need to be developed and formulated, something that I have recently found very hard. Moreover, myself and my partner recently decided to redecorate. And on Sunday we started by breathing new life into some old furniture and repainting it. The feeling of JOY at doing this was unbelievable. Simply being creative by painting with no pressure to achieve was wonderful. And so I wonder will 5.) being more creative help to build and sustain a feeling of joy and happiness in my life?
You may have noticed that within this blog I am focused very much on how I can start to build and maintain happiness in my life. I think the realization that we are responsible for our own happiness is fundamental realization. Obviously having good friends, a supportive family and a loving significant is important to many of us. But when we become dependent on those around us to make us feel happy, it can actually become quite detrimental. I think I have always been someone who has wanted to please others, hasn't wanted to feel left out and often places her happiness in the hands of others. Whilst my partner had a friend to stay with him earlier this month, I realized that not having him all to myself had made me feel unhappy. Similarly I had become anxious when he went on nights out without me. From study clinical psychology I began to think that perhaps I had a tendency to become somewhat anxiously attached (Attachment being something that develops in early childhood with our care givers and can have a big impact upon our later relationships in life). However, recognizing this has allowed me guess that 6.) becoming more secure in myself and taking responsibility for my own happiness may go someway to achieving the goal of happiness.
Somewhat linked to the idea of becoming more secure in oneself and taking responsibility for oneself is my seventh guess at what may make it easier to build a happier life 7.) Stop spending time, money and energy on your appearance and instead focus it on developing your health and happiness. I think this one is a particularly difficult one to 'let go of'. Ever since the 'no-make-up-selfie' of 2014, conversations I had with wonderful new acquaintance and this Tracey Spicers TED talk I have marveled at the time, energy and money I spend aimed at changing myself (hair, fake tan, nails, new clothes). Despite recognizing this, I have actually found myself more drawn to do these things recently. Perhaps this again is linked to short term vs long term gratification (see No. 1.) that these things give me a short term confidence boost and make me feel happy in the short term, but actually detract away from the goal of long term and sustained happiness.
Finally, I have spent my 20s being very sensible and working very hard. I've completed a PhD, clinical psychology training, got married and bought a home. In January I started a new job and was chatting to a fellow researcher about whether or not to upload a publication to a website he said:
'It's easier to do and apologize for it later if you're wrong than it is to seek permission for everything'
wow. what a mind opener! I am definitely someone who ALWAYS seeks permission. I never want to do anything wrong and hate the feeling of being 'in trouble'. In essence I have 'an authority complex'. I see everyone else as in authority and go out of my way to do the right thing, be good and be conscientious. As such, my the finally thing that I think will help me build and live a happier life is to 8.) Fuck it - start living a little less by the 'rules' and see what happens.
So I will let you know how it goes. I will try out some of the above and see what works for me. But in the meantime, please feel free to share your thoughts on what gives you long term and sustained happiness?
