How to be Happy?

30.  There's something about 30.  Not in a bad way, and not necessarily in a good way either.  30 makes you stop, think, reflect.  I spent the eve before my 30th birthday in quiet meditation.  There was something about this birthday that made me stop and give it my full attention.  In the weeks leading up to my 30th birthday I had stopped drinking, had begun to run again and had taken sometime for myself, cancelling prior engagements so that I could find some space.  The day of my 30th I felt good.  I was with my love and we were going away for a few days. I felt happy. However this feeling of happiness has been elusive over the last couple of years, with the past 12 months being particularly difficult.  I have experienced intense negative feelings; not good enough, low self esteem and pondering depressingly that age old question 'what is the point of of life?'.

This has lead me to try and figure out what it is that makes me happy, what it is that makes me unhappy and how to go about building and creating a life for myself where I can feel happy the majority of the time. I wish in this blog post I could give you 'the answer', or even tell you that there is one.  Rather, this post is a bit of higgedly piggedly rambling mix of the conversations I have had with some wonderfully insightful, kind and thoughtful people, along with articles/books I have read that have all contributed to my thinking about what might help me build a happy life.

In 'The Art of Happiness' (HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler) a particular passage stood out for me.  I can't remember the exact quote, but this is what I took away from it:  before making a decision about whether to do something ask whether it will make you happy in long run.  This statement stood out for me because I realized that I struggle to make decisions based on long term happiness (sometimes).  For example, I know that when I don't drink I'm happier in the long run.  But often the prospect of a fun, wild night with my pals (that sometimes happens - other times its a messy drunken night) often over rules, and my short term happiness (and long term suffering; hangover, poor diet following, anxiety, low mood, worry over what I've done/said, injuries etc) often wins.  Of course, this idea can also be generalized to other areas of my life:
- saving money
- eating healthily and ethically
- exercising (both the body and mind)

and so my first guess at what might help me build a happier life is 1.) try to make decisions with my long term happiness in mind. Some changes that may be difficult in the short term but that I think may help me feel happier in the long term are:

- meditation
- eating vegan/veggies
- exercise
- stop drinking
- watch less T.V. or stop watching T.V?
- spending quality time with partner

Recently a friend of mine (also approaching the point of reflection 30) sent me a link to a blog she had read which was about reflecting on the things that you have learnt in your 30 years on this earth. I like the idea of this.  I think that learning is probably something that might help me build happiness, but perhaps more so, when it's not linked to achieving or proving ones self. so number 2.) Learn for learning's sake - not to prove yourself.  Have confidence to acknowledge what I know and courage to acknowledge and learn about what I don't know.  Don't feel I should know it all already - I'm human.

3.) Stop striving and be. When we are little we are always asked 'what do you want to be when you grow up'.  wow.  what a thing to ask a five year old.  For me, as a child and as a teenager I always worried that I didn't know what I wanted to 'be'.  This created a notion that once I grew up to 'be' something then my life would start.  As such I have always been a 'striver'.  Have always felt the need to achieve and prove myself, to finally reach that place of 'being'.  This has lead me to achieve but has not lead me to be happy.  When I was around 27 I realized that this was it.  I was already here.  Waiting for the moment where I would finally 'be' something and life would begin was not going to arrive.  Despite this realization, changing this mindset has been difficult. finishing one achievement for me has only lead on to the next and moving to a state of 'being' in the here and now rather than when I finish this or when I get that is difficult.  It may take some figuring out.

linked to this in some ways is number 4.)  You can't do EVERYTHING - try and figure out your priorities (not the priorities you are bombarded with externally) - so a more positive spin - you can do and 'be' the things you prioritize.  For me, I'm trying to prioritize finding how live happily (I've only just realized this whilst typing).  I may have a list of things I want to achieve - travel, be a successful researcher/clinician, live in London, work abroad, have children, adopt children, own a dog, write, draw, do yoga, meditate, cook (and learn to love it), read more, run, swim, sing and play the ukulele in public.  Whilst it is helpful to have goals in life, sometimes the goals can feel overwhelming.  and so, instead of 'achieving' these goals for achievements sake I'm trying to figure out which ones are my priorities, i.e. which will make me happier in the long run.  A very wise friend once said to me - once something becomes an obligation (which can often happen when you set out to achieve an end goal rather than enjoying the process) then it can no longer be enjoyable - what a wise and dear friend.

Recently I have found myself googling 'how to be happy' one thing that often comes up is being creative.  I read an interesting blog this morning about 'The Artist's Way'.  The blog, based on the work of Julia Cameron suggests that one way to unleash creativity, for those who feel somehow blocked, is to write everyday 3 pages.  It doesn't matter what you write - just a stream of conciousness - and there is no wrong way to do it (a novel concept for me!).  The idea being that you can begin to get out your head all those thoughts that go round and round and block creativity.  This idea resonated with me in particular as, working within academia, creativity is needed all the time, research ideas and studies need to be developed and formulated, something that I have recently found very hard.  Moreover, myself and my partner recently decided to redecorate.  And on Sunday we started by breathing new life into some old furniture and repainting it.  The feeling of JOY at doing this was unbelievable.  Simply being creative by painting with no pressure to achieve was wonderful. And so I wonder will 5.) being more creative help to build and sustain a feeling of joy and happiness in my life?

You may have noticed that within this blog I am focused very much on how I can start to build and maintain happiness in my life.  I think the realization that we are responsible for our own happiness is fundamental realization.  Obviously having good friends, a supportive family and a loving significant is important to many of us.  But when we become dependent on those around us to make us feel happy, it can actually become quite detrimental.  I think I have always been someone who has wanted to please others, hasn't wanted to feel left out and often places her happiness in the hands of others.  Whilst my partner had a friend to stay with him earlier this month, I realized that not having him all to myself had made me feel unhappy.  Similarly I had become anxious when he went on nights out without me.  From study clinical psychology I began to think that perhaps I had a tendency to become somewhat anxiously attached (Attachment being something that develops in early childhood with our care givers and can have a big impact upon our later relationships in life).  However, recognizing this has allowed me guess that 6.) becoming more secure in myself and taking responsibility for my own happiness may go someway to achieving the goal of happiness.

Somewhat linked to the idea of becoming more secure in oneself and taking responsibility for oneself is my seventh guess at what may make it easier to build a happier life 7.) Stop spending time, money and energy on your appearance and instead focus it on developing your health and happiness.  I think this one is a particularly difficult one to 'let go of'.  Ever since the 'no-make-up-selfie' of 2014, conversations I had with wonderful new acquaintance and this Tracey Spicers TED talk  I have marveled at the time, energy and money I spend aimed at changing myself (hair, fake tan, nails, new clothes).  Despite recognizing this, I have actually found myself more drawn to do these things recently.  Perhaps this again is linked to short term vs long term gratification (see No. 1.) that these things give me a short term confidence boost and make me feel happy in the short term, but actually detract away from the goal of long term and sustained happiness.

Finally, I have spent my 20s being very sensible and working very hard.  I've completed a PhD, clinical psychology training, got married and bought a home.  In January I started a new job and was chatting to a fellow researcher about whether or not to upload a publication to a website he said:

'It's easier to do and apologize for it later if you're wrong than it is to seek permission for everything'

wow.  what a mind opener!  I am definitely someone who ALWAYS seeks permission.  I never want to do anything wrong and hate the feeling of being 'in trouble'.  In essence I have 'an authority complex'.  I see everyone else as in authority and go out of my way to do the right thing, be good and be conscientious.  As such, my the finally thing that I think will help me build and live a happier life is to 8.) Fuck it - start living a little less by the 'rules' and see what happens.

So I will let you know how it goes.  I will try out some of the above and see what works for me.  But in the meantime, please feel free to share your thoughts on what gives you long term and sustained happiness?

What's a Girl Gotta Do to Headline 'GLASTON-BERRY'

Festival season! I LOVE it! The beer, the wellies, the music, the beer, the sunshine, the rain, the mud, the beer....

Perhaps my most memorable festival experience (well not actually my most memorable...that one is not appropriate for this blog...) was watching Beyonce (aka 'Yonce, aka Queen Bee, aka Sasha Fierce) headline Glastonbury in the Summer of 2011....the first woman to headline in over 20 years....yes I said 2011 not 1911.  And this was literally the first headline act I had ever seen that wasn't a bloke!  and I repeat...this was in 2011.

This year, as has been widely publicised, The Foo Fighters, due to headline the Pyramid Stage, had to pull out due to a broken leg.  Their replacement...the ASTRONOMICALLY BRILLIANT Florence and the Machine! But as could so easily be predicted the reaction to this announcement (not the actually performance) has been overwhelmingly negative - with one of the comments in my Facebook page stating 'great, more wailing banshee'.  But what pisses me off more, is that although it is awesome that Glasto have a female headliner on the Pyramid stage again (it's only taken another 4 years), the only way Flo has managed it, is to be the second choice to yet again another ageing white male rocker.  Even good ol' Dolly in 2014 wasn't quite good enough, despite selling over 100 MILLION (dude, I said million!) sales world wide, AND pulling in arguably the 'biggest ever' (Emily Eavis) crowd in the history of Glastonbury...and yet still, not-a-headliner.

It's interesting that all the alternative suggestions I've seen banded about regarding the 'better' head liners that 'should' have replaced the white male Foos, are all also, surprise, surprise, white males (Muse, Blur, Stone Roses...etc). You see when it comes to Glastonbury or indeed other big music festivals there is often up-roar when the headliner isn't a white male rocker.  Does anyone remember the slating of Jay-Z...'I'm not having hip hop at Glastonbury. It's wrong' (Noel Gallagher)? And more recently the change.org petition to stop Kanye West playing...*big, tired, bang-your-head-against-a-brick-wall kinda sigh*.

This becomes evening more depressing in the context of Glasto which has a reputation as ethical, liberal and egalitarian. So what hope is there outside of Glasto in the harsh world free from mud, wellies and beers for breakfast? Maybe things are changing for the better? But if Flo hadn't have been bumped up, we would be at year 5 since Bee headlined the Pyramid Stage at the next opportunity (i.e next year)...and before you know it, it's another 20 years gone....and we'll all be wondering - what's it gonna take for a woman to get to headline Glastonbury in 2035! 

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To...Why Tim Hunt's Comments Hurt All Of Us; Men and Women.

If you hadn't heard of Prof Tim Hunt, Nobel Prize winner and Professor of Immunology at UCL (that is before he was forced to resign) before...I'm sure you have now following the furore  he created after addressing a lunch for female scientists and journalists at the World Conference of Science Journalists and stating:

'Let me tell you about my trouble with girls...three things happen when they are in the lab...you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, the cry.'

The first thing I thought upon hearing this, after controlling my hysterics that someone had uttered these words publicly was...yes, yes I do cry, I cry quite a bit actually. There are numerous things wrong with what Prof Tim said - and if you need me to point those things out then perhaps you're reading the wrong blog.  But what struck me was that Prof Tim was right about one thing for me personally, sometimes at work I cry. 

But why is crying seen so negatively?  When I cry in the workplace it is usually because I feel distressed.  And once I begin to cry, I become acutely aware that it is perceived negatively, which makes me more anxious or embarrassed and contributes....god damn it (!) to more crying!!  Now despite said crying not affecting my ability to do my job, nor my ability to achieve my goals, crying is still seen as something that is, at best, a nuisance, and at worst a sign that you are incompetent.  

Little boys are often told....'big boys don't cry' and when they are older to 'man-up', indeed Mark Wright (from the BAFTA award winning TOWIE) was incessantly shamed on twitter for his crying whilst taking part in Stricly Come Dancing (more than likely also BAFTA winning).   The implication being that boys are not to cry because it makes them seem childish or (shock, horror!) feminine.  And this is is where I believe the crux of the problem lies.  By viewing crying and the showing of distress negatively we create an environment that impacts adversely on everybody. 

Firstly, Women who cry are viewed as childish, incompetent and 'not as good as men', problematic for obvious reasons (mainly because one does not equate with the other).  Secondly, men's expression of distress is completely eradicated, making it the norm that men do not communicate distress. this is of paramount importance when we consider creating this "stiff upper lip"/"boys don't cry" is one of the factors thought to explain the increased rates of suicide in men, (over 75% in 2012).

And that's the thing about crying...it's a communication of distress.  It's a communication that something is not quite working.  It's a communication that something needs to change.  And only by communicating our distress can we begin to seek and obtain the help that we all find ourselves needing from time to time....Prof Tim included.  And so parting words of advice to Prof Tim is this....Woman up! Show a little emotion...It might just be good for you.

I hate the world today....

I cried on my way to work this morning.  I walked past the homeless man I walk past every morning, the one that I smile and say 'morning' to, who smiles and says hello back.  This morning his face was so sad and scared that I felt so overwhelmed with sadness and powerless to do anything meaningful that I cried.

I had a fantasy where I ask him to come with me and take him to the swimming baths to pay for a swim so that he can take a shower.  He asks me what I'm doing and I explain and add...'unless you actually want to swim?', he replies that he doesn't know how and offer to teach him...

From then on we go swimming every Friday morning and talk about his life whilst I teach him how to swim and eventually swim lengths whilst talking. Afterwards we go for breakfast.

I wish I could be like.  I now donate £6 a month to Crisis.

The One with The Difficult Second Blog and The Quarter Life Crisis

One of my friends (very kindly) asked me the other day 'So when's the next blog...?', almost as though people might be expecting a second post....??

So here it is...'The Difficult Second Blog'....like the difficult second album but less cool; the difficult second date but less awkward (hopefully), the difficult second...you get the picture.

You maybe wondering what has taken me so long to write another post? and the answer to that is quite simply, I have been hard at work.  Working towards a life long goal of mine that has been eating up my time.  A goal that when complete will be a massive tick on the 'life list of things to do' (blog re: this, to follow).  A goal that will leave me feeling smug and accomplished, satisfied and triumphant!  And that goal is to re-watch every single episode of 'Friends' seasons 1 -10 from start to finish. A glorious accomplishment I'm sure you'll agree (along with this I have also had the small matter of trying to complete my doctorate thesis but blah blah blah).

Another friend of mine (I have several), told me that recently, upon listening to Radio 1, a young listener required the DJ presenting the programme to explain to them a.) what 'Friends' was and b.) it's premise. (Here I am anticipating jaw drops and expressions of shock horror).  Is this the epitome of turning 'old', when a cultural phenomenon has to be explained to a younger generation?  To add insult to injury, this re-watching of friends is the first time that I have actually been the same age as the characters portrayed by the BRILLIANT talents of the actors in the show.

I was particularly dismayed to watch 'The one where they all turn 30', an episode I previously, when watching friends on repeat in my early 20s, found hilarious (vowing to myself that I would 'achieve' all the things I wanted to achieve before I was 30, unlike the characters in the programme).....but seriously, where does the time go?

Now I hear a few of your crying, but its just a number!! It doesnt mean anything!! and on the one hand I agree with you, but on the other, bigger and heavier hand, which is waving to me and shouting 'cooeee', I have to disagree.   For (child free) women, turning 30 is presented not as a milestone to look at things you've achieved, but rather marks the biological milestone of things that are yet to be achieved.  In 'The one were they all turn 30' there is a scene that goes a little something like this (SPOILER ALERT!):


Chandler: Ok, read the card! Read the card!

Rachel: Ok (reads the card). 'Happy Birthday Grandma! It's better to be over-the-hill than buried under it! All our love, Monica and Chandler'.  (Begins Sobbing). That's funny....

Chandler: No, no, no! That was the joke!

Rachel: (crying) No I know, I get it. It's funny.

Chandler: No because you're not a Grandmother!

Rachel: No I know, because to be a Grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny. (Runs to her room, crying).


This scene sums up perfectly that for women, turning 30 is thought of in society as a biological marker, laid heavy with the burden of reproductive pressures, that do not, to the same extent ring true for men.  (Although to be fair, not one of the characters in friends deals with turning 30 well, perhaps least of all Joey!).

For me personally, the question about when to have children is  becoming louder and more prominent and I'm torn between wanting children but also having the feeling that I could do with another 10 years with just me (a sentiment often termed 'selfish' by those who feel women should desire children above all else): a biological impossibility! 

Whilst googling 'quarter life crisis' and 'pre-30 crisis', actually helped a little, there is no denying that for women, if they want children, their 30's are the baby making years. We have a limited time (we've all heard the stats...I won't repeat them here). Quite simply, women have to decide under a time pressure in a way men do not, and I'm filled with a sense of the un-fairness of having a 'biological clock'....damn you clock, tick tocking away!

And so yes, 30 is just a number.  And yes, maybe I can still do all those things on my 'life list of things to do' with or without children. But 30 feels big and significant and a little overwhelming.  Perhaps that is why I'm seeking comfort in a 'old' and familiar T.V. series, where people don't achieve everything they want before they're 30, and things don't always go as planned, but regardless there are always friends (and family and loves) who will be there for you.

There. Second blog complete...and it wasn't so difficult.

Are you naked under those clothes?

For a while now (at least the last 3 years...) I have considered writing a feminist blog. And today Emma Watson has inspired me to do so.

For those of you who don't know, Emma Watson (UN Good Will Ambassador) gave a speech at the UN Headquarters for a new campaign called 'He for She' designed to 'galvanise' boys and men to join the fight for gender equality.

But here's the thing...following the speech Emma was threatened with the possibility of people leaking naked pictures of her (this later turned out to be a hoax, but the threat was still very much there).  Moreover, in this day and age these sorts of threats are not unusual, nor do they only happen to 'Celebrities'.  There are websites where people can upload intimate videos/pictures of sexual partners (without their knowledge or consent), known as 'revenge porn' in an attempt to 'shame' them, and more recently in a bout of leaked photos of hacked celebrity phones, more women have been 'shamed' for daring to have a private sexual life.

So, how is this linked to me writing (or more to the point putting off writing) a feminist blog...? You guessed it!  I too, like many people have taken intimate photos with intimate partners.  I have recorded intimate material in my private sexual life for my own, and my partners' (plural) enjoyment, and as such it was put 'out there' in the 'virtual sphere'.  As I have developed as a person and more specifically as a feminist, I have let the knowledge that this material has (or perhaps still does) existed, stop me from writing about the things that I am passionate about.

BUT...NOT any more!  The response from people around the world to those who have threatened Emma Watson has been overwhelmingly positive, seeming to have had the opposite effect of its probable intention, only serving to make stronger and louder her message.

And so, what to do? Are women simply at the mercy of those who choose to threaten and in some execute their threats to 'shame' women through leaking private and intimate material? Or is there another way?

More recently I have been thinking that perhaps there is.  Perhaps by embracing our sexuality, rather than hiding and feeling ashamed of it, we might begin to change attitudes towards women's sexuality, whereby leaked sex tapes and images are no longer able to shame women, just in the same way that leaked sex tapes don't seem to shame men.  After all, nobody named and shamed the 24 men who engaged in sexual acts in Magaluf, and nobody even batted an eyelid at the men involved in #SlaneGirl....whereas the women involved in these videos were internationally vilified!

This naming and shaming of women who engage in naked and/or sexual acts in photos or on film (often with men FYI) is designed firstly to silence.  It silences them by making them feel ashamed to be sexual beings in a way that men are not.  And this is the second aim; to shame.

So perhaps (perhaps?), one way to stop being silenced and feeling ashamed when somebody attempts to shame us is to instead say, 'YES I'm a woman', 'YES I'm sexual' and 'YES I'm naked under these clothes!'

And maybe also write that blog you always wanted to.

Introduction

Welcome to my blog!

I am a feminist and a psychologist, which are obviously both massive influences in my life. 

This blog is really for me to write my musings about feminism and psychology (hence the name feminologist...?!).  I hope that people will find it interesting and that it may create some debate/ encourage wider perspectives for viewing the world. 

Any questions...? No? 

Blogs to follow...